By Dámaris Tenza – Sex Therapist Specialized in Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder (CSBD), CBT and Gestalt Therapy
If you have just found out that your partner is a sex addict, there are only five things you need to do in the first 72 hours: make sure you are safe, avoid irreversible decisions, protect your sexual health, choose one or two people you trust and get support for yourself. However intense it feels, what you are going through is an understandable reaction to betrayal. You are not overreacting.
Right now, part of you wants to know everything and another part could not bear to hear one more thing. Perhaps you have gone back over the last few months, or the last few years, searching for the signs you missed. Perhaps you have not slept. I am writing this as a therapist who supports partners at exactly this point: you do not need to have answers today. You only need to get through the next three days without hurting yourself any further. And there is one question, the one weighing on you most right now, that you do not have to answer yet. I will explain why at the end.
What you are feeling has a name: betrayal trauma
Discovering that your partner has been hiding compulsive sexual behaviour is not just upsetting. For many people, it is a traumatic experience, and understanding this changes how you treat yourself over the coming days.
In 2006, Barbara Steffens and Robyn Rennie published one of the first studies of wives of men with sex addiction in the journal Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity. Of the 46 participants assessed, 69.6% met every criterion for post-traumatic stress symptoms except the one requiring a «classic» traumatic event, and 71.7% were severely impaired in their daily lives. The authors concluded that these women’s distress is better understood as a reaction to a real threat than as «codependency». In other words: you are not going mad, and you are not «part of the problem». You are reacting to something that has happened to you.
A more recent Australian study, published in Sexuality Research and Social Policy in October 2024, interviewed women in your situation in depth. They described effects across every area of their lives: emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual and in how they relate to others. These included compulsively comparing themselves with other women and a drop in self-esteem. The researchers stress that, above all, these partners need validation and support in their own right.
So, if you notice any of these reactions, I want you to know they are to be expected:
- You cannot stop checking their phone, emails or social media.
- You keep replaying scenes from the past, looking for clues.
- You are struggling to sleep, eat or concentrate.
- You swing from anger to sadness to wanting to fix everything, all within minutes.
- You compare yourself with other people or wonder what you did wrong.
- Your body feels on high alert, as if something bad could happen at any moment.
If you recognise several of these, it is not weakness. It is your nervous system trying to protect you. And that is exactly why, over the next few days, you need a simple plan rather than big decisions.
Your plan for the first 72 hours
You do not have to do everything, or do it perfectly. Think of these three days as a period of recovery: the aim is to protect yourself, not to resolve anything.
The first 24 hours: get safe and decide nothing
- Make sure you are safe. If there are threats, intimidation or you feel physically afraid, your priority is to get away and ask for help (you will find the phone numbers below).
- Do not make any irreversible decisions. No final separation, no moving out, no posts on social media. You can ask for space, for example for your partner to sleep in another room or somewhere else for a few days, without deciding the future of the relationship.
- Avoid the middle-of-the-night interrogation. It is natural to want to know everything immediately, but conversations at three in the morning, when you are exhausted and in shock, tend to leave more wounds than answers. Further down you will see how much of the truth to ask for, and how.
- Look after your body’s basic needs. Drink water, eat something even if it is not much, and try to sleep, even if only in snatches. Shock uses up an enormous amount of energy.
- Choose just one person you trust so you are not going through this alone: someone who will listen without judging you or pushing you to decide.
Between 24 and 48 hours: protect your sexual health and your information
- Get tested for sexually transmitted infections (STIs), even if you have no symptoms and even if it feels humiliating. It is a way of looking after yourself, not an accusation. The NHS sexual health service points out that each test has its own «window period»: up to 2 weeks for chlamydia and gonorrhoea, 45 or 90 days for HIV depending on the type of test, and 12 weeks for syphilis. That is why it is usual to test now and again later. A health professional will tell you when.
- If there has been risky sexual contact in the last three days, ask about post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) for HIV today. According to the NHS, it must be started within 72 hours of exposure, and the sooner the better. Out of hours, you can ask for it at A&E.
- Pause unprotected sex with your partner until you both have your results. It is not a punishment: it is a health boundary.
- Get informed, but do not act yet. If you are worried about the family finances, your home or your children, it is reasonable to find out about your rights from a professional. Getting informed does not commit you to anything.
Between 48 and 72 hours: find support for yourself
- Speak to a professional who specialises in betrayed partners. Not to decide what to do about the relationship, but to have a space to make sense of what you are feeling.
- Decide what to share, and with whom. Two or three trusted people are enough for now. With children, there is no need for detailed explanations: something honest and suited to their age is enough, such as «Mum and Dad are going through a difficult time and we are looking after it.»
- Set one or two temporary boundaries that are simple and that you can keep to: for example, «I need you to get professional help this week» or «I need a few days of not talking about this at night.» Boundaries protect you. They are not there to control the other person.
What to do and what to avoid over the next few days
| Do | Avoid |
|---|---|
| Get yourself safe if you feel afraid | Staying in a situation where you feel threatened |
| Get tested for STIs and retest when advised | Having unprotected sex before you have results |
| Ask for space on a temporary basis | Making final decisions in the heat of the moment |
| Tell one or two people you trust | Sharing it on social media or with everyone you know |
| Choose how much information you want, and when | Long interrogations in the middle of the night |
| Get professional support for yourself | Waiting for your partner to «sort themselves out» before you start looking after yourself |
| Find out about your rights | Making threats you are not ready to carry out |
| Eat, drink water and rest, even a little | Blaming yourself for «not seeing it» |
How much of the truth to ask for, and when
One of the hardest questions in these first days is how much you want to know. Research suggests that more information does not always mean less pain.
In an international survey of 164 people (82 recovering addicts and 82 partners) published in Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (1998), Jennifer Schneider, M. Deborah Corley and Richard Irons reported several findings that may help you:
- Over time, 93% of partners felt it had been right for the truth to come out, even though it devastated them at the time.
- Many partners initially asked to «know everything», but later preferred general information (the risks to their health, the commitment to recovery) over details about places, numbers or specific acts.
- «Staggered» disclosure, where the truth comes out bit by bit, was a constant source of anger and made it harder to rebuild trust.
What does this mean in practice? That you can ask for a disclosure that is complete on the essentials but free of graphic detail, ideally with professional support, rather than prising the truth out piece by piece over several weeks. What you need to know to protect your health and make decisions, yes. Images you will not be able to get out of your head afterwards, no.
Should I stay or should I go? What the data say about early decisions
It is the question that weighs most heavily, and it is normal to ask yourself it every hour. In the same study, 60.2% of partners threatened to leave after the first disclosure, and 75.6% of those who did so never left, not even temporarily. The authors concluded that threats do not prevent relapse and may also lead the person with the addiction to hide more.
This does not mean you should stay. It means that a decision this important deserves to be made from a place of calm, not shock. That is why many therapists advise against making major changes in the first few months, unless your safety requires it.
«Why should I be the one in therapy if the problem is theirs?»
It is a completely understandable question. The short answer: you are not going to therapy because the problem is yours. You are going because the hurt is.
Your partner will need their own treatment, and that is their responsibility. But your sleeplessness, your need to check, your bruised self-esteem and your uncertainty about the future deserve attention in their own right, whatever the other person decides. You are not alone: a study across 42 countries involving more than 82,000 people estimated that 4.8% of adults are at high risk of compulsive sexual behaviour (Bőthe et al., Journal of Behavioral Addictions, 2023). Behind many of them is a partner who, like you, is wondering what to do now.
How we support you at IntimAddict: the Companions Anchor Journey
At IntimAddict, we work with the person with the addiction and also, separately, with the betrayed partner. We do this within the same team, so that nobody is left in the background. Our programme for partners, the Companions Anchor Journey, follows a path designed around you: understanding what has happened → regaining a sense of safety → setting boundaries → weighing up your options → recovering, whatever you decide about the relationship.
There are two ways to begin:
- Individual sessions for betrayed partners (€120). A confidential space just for you, with a therapist who specialises in betrayal trauma.
- Partners’ group in Marbella (€50). A place to hear from others who have been through the same thing and to discover that you are not alone.
What happens when you book: you choose a day and time, you have a first confidential conversation that is entirely about you and how you are doing, and you leave with a plan for the weeks ahead. We will not tell you what to decide about your relationship.
When to get help straight away
If at any point you feel that your safety or your children’s safety is at risk, that you are being threatened or pressured, or if you have thoughts of harming yourself, do not wait:
- 112: emergency services in Spain and across the European Union.
- 016: support for victims of gender-based violence in Spain (free, and it does not appear on your phone bill).
- 0808 2000 247: National Domestic Abuse Helpline, if you are in the UK. [VERIFICAR FUENTE antes de publicar]
- If you are having thoughts of harming yourself and you are in Spain, call 024, the suicide prevention helpline.
Frequently asked questions from partners after discovery
Is it normal to feel this bad after discovering my partner’s sex addiction?
Yes. Discovery is often experienced as trauma. In Steffens and Rennie’s study (2006), 69.6% of wives showed nearly all the criteria for post-traumatic stress symptoms. Sleeplessness, anger, hypervigilance or the need to check everything are expected reactions, not overreactions.
Should I get tested for STIs even if I have no symptoms?
Yes, it is advisable. Many infections cause no symptoms at first. According to the NHS, tests have window periods of up to 2 weeks (chlamydia and gonorrhoea), 45 or 90 days (HIV) and 12 weeks (syphilis), so it is usual to test now and again later.
What is PEP and when should I ask for it?
Post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) is a treatment that reduces the risk of HIV infection after a risky exposure. According to the NHS, it must be started within 72 hours of exposure, and the sooner the better. If there has been recent risky sexual contact, go to a sexual health clinic or A&E.
Should I leave my partner?
You do not have to decide now. Research by Schneider, Corley and Irons (1998) showed that most partners who threatened to leave after disclosure did not, and that threats did not prevent relapse. A decision this important deserves to be made calmly and with support, unless your safety is at risk.
Do I need to know everything to get over it?
Not necessarily. Many partners find they prefer a disclosure that is complete on the essentials (the risks to their health, the extent of the problem and the commitment to recovery) without graphic detail. What tends to cause most harm is the truth coming out little by little.
Can I have therapy even if my partner does not want treatment?
Yes. Support for the betrayed partner is independent of the treatment of the person with the addiction. At IntimAddict we offer individual sessions for partners and a group in Marbella, whatever you decide about the relationship.
Conclusion: you do not have to answer everything in 72 hours
At the start, I told you there was one question you did not have to answer yet. It is this: should I stay or should I go? You do not have to answer it now, because decisions made in shock are rarely the ones you would make from a place of calm. And because, whatever happens with your relationship, the first person who needs to recover is you.
These three days only ask you to protect yourself, look after your body and not be alone. The time will come, later, to sleep again without checking anything, and to make a decision, whatever it may be, from calm rather than fear.
This article is for information only and is not a substitute for a professional assessment or medical care.
